Broken

Tonight, a ceramic basket I had sitting on the coffee table broke. It was pretty. I was planning on getting some fake ivy to put in it once we paid off our credit cards. I loved that basket. 

But now it's broken. It can't be fixed at all. I sat staring at the pieces and just thought to myself, 'this is what I feel like right now. 

BROKEN

I make messes. I am always tired and so I sleep a lot. I'm irritating my husband. I can't get oregnant without help. So, I cleaned up the pieces and shuffled upstairs to shower and lay down. I felt like I couldn't cry, not even one tear. But after I laid down, the tears began to flow and my emotions let loose like a flood. I cried because I feel this way almost every single day. I feel like I'm not good enough. Not as a wife and not as a woman. My heart feels like my ceramic basket. Just a broken mess. 

I'm done crying now. I feel like I'm gonna crash for the night. Maybe, tomorrow I won't feel so bad. Just maybe. 

Book Review!!!

Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones


This book is rather interesting if you get the chance to read it. There's magic, adventure, guessing, and a few surprises along the way. 
We start out with Sophie Hatter, the main character we follow throughout the story line. She is the eldest of three daughters and her father had past away leaving her step mother with the hat shop. There is a saying in the land of Ingary that the eldest of three will never be successful. Our main girl believes that. The mother sends away the two youngest, one to a bakery and the other to a witch to be apprentices. However, these girls do not quite like where they were placed so they switched with each other. Quite mischievous really. 

"I hope your bacon burns"

Sophie ends up meeting the Witch of the Waste (our main bad guy... or rather girl) The witch casts a curse on her and our poor girl is turned into an old woman. Creaky bones and wrinkly skin doesn't quite sound like my cup of tea. So, Sophie leaves the shop and ends up in Howl's castle which she things is more of a dump then a castle. She meets a fire demon named Calsifer, a teenaged boy named Micheal Fisher, and our favorite wizard Howl!!! 

"Yes, you are nosy. You're dreadfully nosy, horribly bossy, appallingly clean old woman. Control yourself. You're victimizing us all."

Howl proves to be a bit annoying and a major playboy, but in the end he tells the truth and seems to be less obnoxious... 

"I think we ought to live happily ever after"

 All in all, I give this book a 9 out of 10. 

Irritation. Sometimes that is what I feel towards my husband. I'm not intentionally trying to be irritated by him but he does things that just sorta... piss me off.
Like this morning, I asked him about a paper that needs to get signed so I can turn it in somewhere. He says he hasn't tried because he hasn't had the time. He also thinks it can not get signed here. I wanted to call BullShit so bad on him. I know better then he doesn't have the time. He sits in an office sometimes and I see him on Facebook and he even texts me. Not to mention the fact that he has been coming home about 3pm everyday. Now tell me that he doesn't have the time. I am just about ready to take that paper from him and go up to his work myself and talk with his shirt, I am no mad.
Sorry it's a rant, but I needed to get it off my chest before I screamed.
Also, I am irritated because he is going to be the reason everything fails because he is too much of an idiot to call the doctor back regarding getting a referral to see my doctor about a few things.
I love my husband, I really do! He just gets on my nerves enough.

The beginings of my struggles

So, I have read other peoples posts and blogs about pregnancy and babies.... about infertility and troubles, and I have been thinking that I have yet to share my story, my struggles and my journey. The thing is, my journey isn't quite over. However, I still feel like I need to write it. Deal with it. To document it for myself.

So here goes....

January 2013, that is where we shall start this story!!!! We were getting ready to leave Misawa, Japan (husband is military) to go back to the states when both of us decided to make this our last round of BC (birth control). We were going to make a go of sorta trying to get pregnant, but not actively try hard. With that in mind, we planned NOT to tell our family about it. Especially since my mother-in-law was always asking me when I will give her grandchildren. That really annoyed the both if us.

Anyways, I was informed that getting off BC would make my periods irregular for about 6 months, no biggie right? I could deal that!!! Time to practice perfection anyways!!!!!!! :D

Well, after 8 months I was late!!! Pregnant right? Took a test and it was negative, maybe it was because I took it too early.... waited a few days and did another one...... WHAT??? Negative AGAIN??? I cried a little but maybe I should wait some more.

A week later my period arrived. Guess I wasn't pregnant after all... Oh well, there is always next month!!!

Over the next several months every time I was late or just missed my period altogether I took multiple pregnancy tests. Heck, I even went to the doctors and they tested me as well. They all returned negative... and each and every time it happened I cried. I bawled my eyes out and screamed. It wasn't right, it wasn't fair.

Then, there was THE PAIN. Now, I'm not talking about that pain in your heart where you know something is wrong or missing just yet. No, I am talking about physical pain. It started slowly in my lower abdomen on one side then moved over to the middle and right side. Well. its not like it moved over there and left my left side alone, it was traveling and leaving behind itself as well... So, this pain was so intense that it had me doubling over and crying because it hurt so bad. The worst part of it was that it came and went several times a day and lasted about 30 seconds each time. This went on for about 2 weeks. Near the middle of it I called my doctor... I couldn't get an appointment for another 2-3 weeks out... great.... now what? I didn't think it was bad enough to go to a hospital and to go to an after hours care would cost us and our insurance might not cover it... so I waited it out. Bad Idea!

I finally got to see my doctor and he asked me questions and such and had me do an ultra sound. Now, for those who have been pregnant before and for those who haven't, they use a wand (looks more like a dildo) they put a condom on it and lubricant.... sexy I know.... then they stick it inside you and take pictures while moving it around and making you squirm... It's even creepier in my opinion when there are males controlling the wand and doing this... just sayin....

Doctor then tries to tell me I have an anger management issue.... but let us back up a moment here... I gave him a lost of things that were different then the me before and during BC.

• increased appetite
• increase weight gain (my most hated part)
• way lack of sex drive
• difficulty losing weight  (though granted I was in Arizona and asthma, exercising, and that dry desert air made it hard to do much of anything)
• abnormal cycles
• unusual moods swings (crying or getting mad or upset over everything) This honestly began to put a strain on my marriage.

With all of this he just tells me that its probably pregnancy and I have anger management issues.... so the test he ordered me to have (I had taken 4 tests a week before) came back negative.... of course I already knew that but it still broke my heart.

Now, I will tell you that so far, my military doctors all suck ass!!! They haven't listened to me or seemed to have cared at all about what might be wrong with me. All this and add in my husband was about to be sent to South Korea for a year... without me. So, husband leaves (for Korea) and I store our stuff and pack my bags and dogs and head to Oklahoma for the year to live with my mom!!!! Honestly, it was fun and relaxing. I did miss husband a lot but that's normal.

After getting to OK I say an OB/GYN at OU medical center... great place!!! My doctor listened and got me stuff to make me bleed when I didn't and got me on Clomid!!!! Now, this was supposed to make me ovulate and such. it did, sorta. Anyways, I visited husband and my friend who was also in Korea and tried this stuff out. Didn't take, but that's okay because I was still up for trying.

Husband comes home from Korea and we try another round and it didn't take either. I did cry a little bit... okay I cried a lot! But, I was upset. Because guess what??? His younger sister, who is about 19 years old is pregnant!!!! I bawled my eyes out that it wasn't at all fair and how hard I tried and how much I wanted a baby badly. I think it broke his heart a little to see me in that state.

So now, here we are at a new base, my doctor referred me to a fertility specialist and we have began our journey here. Hopefully, it will end with happiness, if not I at least want to make a record and a promise to myself.

I promise to try my best to smile and breath. To be patient while waiting for the time to come. To remember my husband loves me no matter what. To remember God's promise to me. And to remember that when all hope seems lost there will ALWAYS be a calm after the storm has passed.

Here I am! I'm starting over now, I kinda need to... I have a story to tell, but I don't know of any other ways to tell it. So, I am going to use this blog!!! My story, my opinions on things, my reviews on books and things that are real. They will be here. My goal is to make myself better. (You'll learn more about that later!) So, every week I will make a post about something dear to my heart. For those who read, I love you and thank you for listening!!!